"I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction."

"I cannot afford to waste my time making money."

“There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it."

"I can live for two months on a good compliment."

"Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation."

“Money won’t make you happy, but everybody wants to find out for themselves.”

"I liked things better when I didn't understand them."
(Calvin)

"If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph: 'The only proof he needed of the existence of God was music.'"

"Jokes can be noble. Laughs are exactly as honorable as tears. Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion, to the futility of thinking and striving anymore. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward — and since I can start thinking and striving again that much sooner."

“Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.”

"To be able to fill leisure intelligently is the last product of civilization, and at present very few people have reached this level."

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.

"People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news."

"We should all be concerned about the future because we will have to spend the rest of our lives there."

"Never tell anyone that you're: writing a book, going on a diet, exercising, taking a course, or quitting smoking. They'll encourage you to death."

"Anything worth memorizing is worth looking up."

"Ugliness is better than beauty because ugliness lasts longer."

"Art is a habit-forming drug."

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
(Calvin)

"Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied."